So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
