If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
