i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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