Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
