Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
