dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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