My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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