The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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