i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
