so explain again why im purple
no
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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