We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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