I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
