just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
