grandma shit on top of the toilet
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
