im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His nipple licking is glorious
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