Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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