Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
