morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize