Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
