no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize