There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
that is very illegal...i love you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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