Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
