I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
