I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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