Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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