Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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