My room smells like vodka and shame
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't deserve a penis
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
