I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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