It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize