We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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