Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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