I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
