so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
