Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
