So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
