Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
