You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
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