Im at strip club and am horny
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
