just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
