i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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