How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
