I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
