She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
