just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize