What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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