I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
