I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
