oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
