last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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