At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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