On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
