True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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