I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
