I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize